It is hard to have information, that I know can help someone change their life, yet need to keep it to myself. In my past, I felt like I needed to share the information I had and it was a disservice if I did not. Yet most of the time my efforts were either met with resistance or just ignored. I thought to myself “How can I help my family get healthy and fit?” I knew I had answers but something was not clicking. That was until I finally learned a lesson from Bruce Lee.

The Art of Fighting Without Fighting

There is a scene in “Enter The Dragon” where everyone is traveling on boat. They are going to an island to compete in a martial arts tournament. One of the competitors was bullying other individuals on the boat. At one point the fighter locked eyes on Bruce Lee, his next victim. The fighter asked Bruce “What style of fighting do you use?” Bruce Lee responds “You can call my style the art of fighting without fighting.” The fighter asked Bruce to show him. Bruce points to an island in the distance and says “I can show you on that island and we can take this boat (the boat Bruce is referring to is a smaller one for emergencies)”. The man agreeing gets in the boat, but he is the only one. Bruce starts removing the rope, keeping the smaller boat attached to the bigger one, and hands it to one of the fighters past victims. Immediately the fighter learned his lesson.

We can use the art of fighting without fighting in our own lives when we want to influence our family to make healthier choices. But how do you actually do it?

Manipulation vs. Influence

There is one thing I would like to mention before we jump into the how, which is manipulation versus Influence. In my opinion, the distinction between the two comes down to who is the leader. If the person who has the knowledge is trying to initiate the movement, make decisions, and/or implant a specific belief in the follower, then that is manipulation. Yet, if the person who has the knowledge is approached by the follower to help make a change, provide choices, and/or share the multiple beliefs they can have, then that is influence.

An example would be my relationships with my sons. I love the sport cross country, it is my jam. My sons see that I like to run. When I talk about cross country they see the excitement in me rise. I truly believe everyone should be in this sport because it does wonders to your personal development. However, I have never once asked my kids if they would try cross country. Instead, I will wait for them to ask if they can try out.

If I were to try to push it, deep down inside , I knew it would be something I wanted them to do. I could have easily signed them up. Pour onto them all the pointers and the tips I have (I do coach runners around the globe after all). If I did though, eventually, they would probably not want to do it.

As soon as we start to push vs. suggest, we become manipulative. People can sense manipulation and when they do they want out. Health & fitness can be a very touchy subject. It can push people away from you if they feel they are being manipulated.

5 Steps to Influence Without Influencing

There are 5 steps to help influence your loved ones to live a healthy lifestyle. I will lay them out in the order in which it should happen as it is a process.

Step 1: SELF IMPROVEMENT– This is the number one secret to influence. As you start working on improving your health & fitness you are going to be different. Your confidence, conversations, choices, and energy will improve to the point where people will start to notice. By improving yourself you are showing others what is possible. If you are not improving or getting results that people want, they will not consider being influenced in that area. So the first step is to just focus on your own self improvement.

Step 2: RESONATE– As people see you getting the results they want, they will start to notice you. They will think to themselves I like this person there something different going on and I want that as well. However, after the initial attraction they will start asking themselves more questions:

Do I “like” this person? Let’s face it, we do not appeal to everyone and thats okay. The reasons could be many. Maybe they don’t like your voice, your personality, they way you talk, or your beliefs just to name a few. If someone does not “like” you or feel “like” you, you won’t be able to influence them.

What did the person do to get the results? When I was losing weight at one point, I was training for a half-marathon. People would see how long I would train and think I was crazy. Do you think the people around me would come to me for advice on how to lose weight? Probably not, they would judge my success on what they saw me doing. If they had no intentions of being a crazy runner, then I am not going to resonate with them.

After going through the questions they have they will make a judgment as to how much they can relate to you. If they feel like you are similar or “like” you, they will proceed to the next step.

Step 3: INQUIRE– Now that they see you are getting the results they want, they feel that they resonate with you, then they will start prodding. This can be seen through direct questions or through a conversation that they hope will lead to questions.

I typically see this at birthday parties and functions. Gatherings with food are always a great place to spark a conversation about health & fitness. Since I know this, I always come prepared for the this and the next step. However, I never initiate a conversation unless it’s a carry over from a prior conversation (Step 5).

A typical indirect conversation will start with the following “I should not be eating this…”, “I will need to workout after this…”, “I have been good so I am going to cheat today…” these could be signs of prodding and can help you move into the next step.

A direct conversation will start with questions “I see you have lost weight, what are you doing?”, “I see you have changed, whats different?”, “You look good, you on some kind of plan?”

no matter how the conversation starts, this individual has now invited you to converse about the subject. You are now in prime position to start influencing them, but you must take the next step.

Step 4: MAKE IT EASY– Now that you are invited in, don’t go burying the person in all that you do. If you do, that person may back away feeling like they don’t resonate anymore. Instead you want them leading the discussion. To do that you must align, give them something small, and wait.

Align- Influencing is all about aligning with someone. What I typically do, is tell them my decision or action I am going to take… “I am going to eat that ice cream too”. Then I follow it up with how I used to make that same decision or action… “I used to feel guilty about eating the ice cream by the end of the night”. Then confirm how happy I am and feel a change… “Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that anymore”. By using this format it usually invites the question…What created the change?

Give them something small- When they ask the question of what I did differently I give them one tiny step that they can do right now. I never want to give them to much, because it could get overwhelming for them. In the above example I would say “I used to make sure my bowl was full of ice cream (which is true), now when I eat ice cream I try to make sure I have no more than 3 scoops. That has made a big difference (which is also true).” Easy right? Something they can do right now (usually), they don’t have to give up everything, and it seems really easy. Here is the next key though.

Wait- Now things get interesting. After I make the simple solution, the individual will most likely have more questions, doubts, and concerns. You at this point just need to follow them and guide them when they have these questions. This is the point where you know you’re influencing them. They are inviting you inside their world and asking you to come along on the journey with them.

Step 5: Accountability – The last step is to solidify your influence by supporting them. We are most likely to succeed if we know we have someone we can relate with and share the journey. The next birthday party or function, they will most likely bring up the topic in excitement or guilt with you. At this point you encourage them, either way, and start back at step # 4 if they invite you in.

There you have it! If you noticed there was not much from your side that you had to do to the person. A lot of people try to influence by pushing when in fact the best way is to be pulled by the influenced. So, the next time you are around others you care about, feeling insecure about their healthy lifestyle. You can influence them without influencing with just 5 steps.